Utterly Unexpected
by Skeren Dreamera
Summary: It was bewildering, it was stupid, and in Itachi's opinion, it was one of the best things that Madara had ever done for him. A late night wake up call leads to opportunity, and Itachi, for one, wasn't about to turn it down. He just had to figure out what to do with it. Somehow.
1. Chapter 1

**Utterly Unexpected: It started like this...**

Itachi was stunned. Somehow, this... this had never been an expected result. In fact, it was so incredibly anticlimactic he was left floundering.

Madara was dead.

He was dead because he had, for whatever reason, decided to wake the twenty one year old in the dead of the night without his mask on. This had had the rather unfortunate, for him that is, side effect of Itachi coming up with a kunai in his fingers out of a nightmare. After all, he'd learned years before to stay still in his sleep even in the midst of one, however, he had thought, somehow, that a ninja would _know_ not to startle another ninja awake.

Thus, complete bewilderment that the hit, however panicked and subconscious, had hit was entirely warranted.

Drawing his sheet a bit further up his chest to swipe at the blood he felt on his skin, he eyed the contrast intently. Yes, that was really blood. Leaning over the side of the bed, he stared down at the body next to him. Yes, it was really a body.

Easing sideways out of the bed, he nudged the body with a foot. That moved like a dead body. It was, sadly, a very distinctive and familiar movement. Still a bit too in shock to really process what was going on, he leaned down and turned the head. There was a kunai sticking out of one dark eye, the other utterly sightless and dead.

Madara was dead.

This was a Big Deal.

Finally, suddenly, he realized with stunning clarity what this meant. He was _free!_ With... absolutely nowhere to go. Well.

Stepping around the body, he dug through his pack and finally pulled a storage scroll out, looking from it to the man dead on his bedroom floor for a moment. Yes, that might work. Nodding to himself, he sealed the body into the scroll and brought it up to eye level, frowning at it.

"Why couldn't you have done this to yourself years ago? _You_ I would have gladly helped with assisted suicide." It was a dark mutter, and a moment later he stuck the scroll back into his bag, starting to gather his things.

He may have had plans to go let Sasuke find him soon, but that would just have to wait a bit longer. First he had to go to Konoha and talk to a certain Senju.

After all, if Madara was dead, the threats to Sasuke were going to be coming from an _entirely_ different direction.

He just... had to come up with a plan first so they didn't execute him practically on sight. That's all.


	2. Chapter 2

**Utterly Unexpected: You have to think of all the details.**

Somehow, during the entirety of his little packing spree, Itachi had forgotten about one _particular_ accessory that he never went anywhere without.

Kisame.

Not to say that the man was easy to forget, but the younger mad had, understandably, had other things on his mind. On stepping into the hallway, however, he was abruptly and forcibly reminded that yes, he had a partner, and no, it wasn't really normal for him to be up and around wandering in the middle of the night anymore.

Looking up at his partner, he blinked, the blue man looking back with an expression that clearly asked what he was doing.

"I'm going for a walk."

If anything, that made the confusion on the swordsman's face grow, and he pointedly turned his eyes to Itachi's pack. "Really."

This was going to fail terribly, he was sure of it. Thus, he merely stared up at him instead of responding.

"It's three in the morning Itachi-san." When the smaller figure didn't waver, Kisame had the sudden, intense urge to pinch the bridge of his nose. "It's three in the morning and your cough has been _worse_ lately Itachi-san."

The silence was longer, but Kisame was clearly willing to wait. And wait. After about five minutes, the Sharingan user finally spoke again. "I couldn't sleep?"

"You have all your things." Voice turning dry, one large hand reached out and rested on the smaller man's head. "Let me pack my things and I'll go with you."

"Um. Kisame-san..."

"If I don't go with you you'll drop dead before you get wherever you're going."

"Kisame-san, perhaps it would-"

"I'm going." This time, the hand moved from head to shoulder, and Itachi was steered firmly to a chair in the taller man's room. "Sit. Stay. Maybe you can explain what you're having us do."

"You really don't want me to."

"Of course I do. You're not about to do something royally stupid or anything right?" He had turned to pull on his clothes, but as the silence stretched on, the man slowed to a stop in his movements. "Itachi-san?"

"I'm going back to Konoha."

"...What?"

"I've decided to go home."

"..._Why_?"

"I feel I've perhaps been a bit lax on taking care of things around the village."

"Itachi-san have you forgotten that you're a missing nin?"

"Well, no. But I have a solution for that."

"And that involved you leaving me behind?"

"Well... no. I just... forgot."

"You forgot."

"Yes."

"You forgot you had a partner?"

"...Not exactly."

"...What exactly did you forget?"

The silence stretched.

"Itachi-san."

This time, the silence was shorter.

"Itachi, spit it out."

"I might have gotten over excited."

"About?"

"...I don't want to say."

"This has to do with your brat of a brother doesn't it."

It wasn't a question, so Itachi didn't bother to answer.

"Wonderful. I'm still going with you."

"I'm leaving Akatsuki."

"Yeah, I gathered that with the talk of _going back to Konoha_."

"You're loyal to Akatsuki."

"Yes, I am. Your point?"

"...I'm not going to try to catch the nine-tails."

"Yes, I figured that."

"I don't understand."

"Yeah, you never do. Shut up and let me pack."

Completely confused, Itachi fell silent and let the man pack. He'd figure it out eventually.


	3. Chapter 3

**Utterly Unexpected: Poor Fish-man**

"Kisame? What would you do if you wanted to seem harmless?"

There was a pause in the wake of this question where said man had to decide his his partner was actually being serious. When it seemed that that was the case, he ventured a tentative answer. "Well, I suppose genjutsu to-"

"No, no genjutsu. In fact, what would you do if you needed to seem harmless with no jutsu at all."

Kisame reached out, hooking his fingers in the back of his partner's coat to get him to _look_ at him. It was nearly five am, his sleep had been cut in third, and Itachi wanted _him_ to figure out how to look harmless? He'd have better luck figuring out how to make a rabid mountain cat seem harmless. "Itachi-kun, you need to stop and think about what you're asking."

They both came to a pause, and when Kisame took his hand back, confused sharingan eyes turned on his own, dare he think it, normal ones. "I'm afraid I don't know what you mean...?"

At a loss, the blue man just stared at him, unable to believe he was genuinely missing the point. Was he doing that deadpan humor thing again? He was really not awake enough to be appreciating it if he was. "Itachi-san, I hate to have to be the one to break this to you, but people find me scary."

The look he got back was somewhat disbelieving, and his initial thought was that Itachi could at least pretend to believe him. It was almost offensive. "Kisame-san, you're blue."

"Yes."

"And have _gills."_

"I do."

"On your _face_."

"Yes again."

"How are you scary?" No, he decided, it was definitely offensive.

"I'm big."

"And?"

"And I have pointy teeth."

"And?"

"And I have Samehada."

"There has to be something scarier than that."

"There's my reputation."

"People only notice you're blue, they never think about why, I promise you."

"...That really has nothing to do with my reputation you know."

"...I've offended you somehow again haven't I?"

"Itachi-san, you said I wasn't scary."

"You're not!"

"See?"

"...So you want scary to be your default?"

"Yes."

"Oh."

"Yes. Oh." Kisame resumed their movement through the forest.

"I'm very sorry that I don't find you scary Kisame-san."

"...Thank you for trying Itachi-san."

"You're welcome. Now, can we get back to my original question?"

"Me somehow seeming harmless and non-threatening?"

"No, no we're past that. How can we make _me_ seem harmless and non-threatening?"

"You're not just humoring me now are you?"

"Not at all. We're going to Konoha remember?"

There was a long beat of pause at the reminder of Itachi's current insanity.

"...So you should play up how much you love your brother. That might keep them from stabbing you immediately."

Itachi's tone brightened. "You think so?"

"Absolutely. In fact, go harmless crazy the whole way and let them disarm you and they might even fix the cough."

"But I don't want my brother to have a hard time killing me..."

"Konoha's Hokage is a _medic-nin_, no way that'll work. You'd be way too valuable even as a prisoner to let you just up and die on them."

This time, Itachi was the one who stretched out the silence. "He'll forgive me once he finds everything out, so he won't still want me dead, right?"

"Only if he's as fucked up as you Itachi-san."

"I am not... I am not messed up in that way."

Kisame made his tone deliberately placating. "Of course you're not Itachi-san."

"Kisame!"

The placating tone persisted, even going so far as to reach sugar coated 'there there' levels. "Really, I believe you."

"That's not fair Kisame-san."

"You said I wasn't scary."

"...I said I was sorry."

"And I thanked you for trying."

"...Mean."

"I do try. Unlike some people."

"You're not going to let this go are you?"

"Should I?"

"...Yes?"

Kisame looked at Itachi incredulously. "The answer is _no_ actually."

"Oh."

"Yes. Again with the oh."

"...I still don't think you're scary."

A sigh. "...I know."


	4. Chapter 4

**Utterly Unexpected: How can you argue with that logic?**

They were outside of Konoha.

They were outside of Konoha and Itachi _still_ hadn't changed his mind about going _into_ Konoha.

"You're really going to do this?"

The younger man looked sideways at his eight year partner, silently critiquing without even asking why he felt the need to question the obvious. "I don't see a particular reason not to."

"...You still haven't explained your reason _for_ doing this in the first place."

"Oh. I didn't?"

"No. You never seemed to get that far."

"Remember how you figured out I killed the clan on orders?"

"So you finally decided to confirm that then."

"Yes. Not the point."

There was a pause, then Kisame sighed. "Yes, I remember how I figured that out."

"Well, I've decided I needed to clear my name."

"...That's an option?"

"Well, yes."

"Why the hell didn't you do that before then?"

Itachi looked over at Kisame.

Kisame stared back.

This lasted for several long minutes before Itachi finally spoke. "...I didn't want my brother to know about it."

"You do realize he'll find out _now_ don't you?"

"Of course."

"But now it's just fine?"

"Yes."

Again, there was a very long pause, though shorter than the last. Kisame finally reached over and planted his hand on his head. "Itachi, don't die."

"I won't, thank you Kisame-san."

The blue man rolled his eyes and sighed. "Just act like yourself. I'm sure they'll deem you harmless quick enough."

"...I will take your expert advice."

"Fuck off brat."

"I will miss you as well Kisame-san."

"Yeah, you too. As long as we don't cross goals you can still count on me. Just don't pick fights with my side."

At that, Itachi's lips curved into a small amused smile. "I won't. Tell Leader-sama not to look for Tobi for me? He had an unfortunate accident."

There was a confused beat of silence. "Ah... sure?"

"Yes, Tobi died."

"Right, dead Tobi. Got it."

Itachi nodded, and with that pleasant thought in mind, boldly made for the gates of Konoha, humming all the way.


	5. Chapter 5

**Kotetsu: Brave or simply deluded?**

It was perfectly understandable that the gate guards had no idea what to do. In fact, it would have been perfectly understandable if the poor men had turned tail and fled deeper into the village screaming that they needed a jounin, but they hadn't, so in all they'd been quite brave about the current situation.

Itachi Uchiha was looking up at them expectantly from outside the gate, having declared he was done with his mission and would like to check in now, and that he was quite sorry about being late returning, but the mission had gained an unexpected vector.

See? Perfectly understandable.

So, that was why the second they'd spotted someone on the _inside_ of the gate they'd silently flagged them down and sent them running for any jounin they could find. Or the Hokage. The Hokage would be _excellent_ at this juncture.

While Izumo had been doing that, Kotetsu had decided, for once, to try and do his job.

Forever after people will wonder why he picked _that_ day to suddenly get serious about guarding the gate, but be impressed no matter what the answer was. The popular theory was that he believed that someone was trying to prank him, but he refused to confirm or deny anything.

"Alright, you say you're coming home from a... a mission." Kotetsu leaned over the gate, staring down into Sharingan red. Yep. Still as creepy as he'd found it when he'd been a little kid. _Maybe_ he shouldn't stare into the eyes. Forehead then. Scratched through protector. Missing-nin. Kind of obvious. "Not to be rude or anything but you're kinda a missing-nin."

"No... that's simply a misunderstanding with the current Kage. I have all my paperwork in order." It was at this point that the notorious man dug into his cloak, producing a pair of scrolls and holding them up rather victoriously.

"You've attacked Konoha citizens before you know, I don't really think a couple scrolls will be enough pal."

There was a moment of silence in which the great Itachi Uchiha looked... well. He looked _confused_. "I'm afraid I don't understand...?"

Leaning further over the edge of the wall, Kotetsu waved his hand around through the air. "You know. Dead. All the Uchiha? And you've been trying to kidnap Naruto for what? Almost four years now? Kinda leaves a bad impression on the village."

Itachi _huffed_. He actually _huffed_ in reaction to the words and crossed his arms like a petulant child as he stayed... outside the village like a good delayed shinobi was supposed to. "If I was _trying_ to kidnap Naru-chan, I would have _already_ kidnapped Naru-chan. It's not as though I don't know where he lives."

Izumo had finally returned to their side of the gate at this point, and shot a horrified look from one to the other before leaning in to hiss at Kotetsu. "What are you _doing_?"

Kotetsu looked at his partner as though he'd gone insane. It was a look they shared, for entirely different reasons. "What do you mean 'what am I doing'? I'm doing my job."

"...That's _Itachi Uchiha_!"

"Well if he's going to hold still and let me question him like a good jounin, why are you complaining exactly?"

"You- he- _Kotetsu_!"

Huffing and seeing that his partner was attempting to have a meltdown, he glanced down to the missing-nin. "Could you hold on a sec?" When he got an agreeable nod, he turned to his best friend, reaching out to put his hands on his shoulders with a little grin. "Seriously, calm down. We're supposed to do this stuff, okay? Besides, we're in here and he's out there, so just settle down. Man, you need a nap or something." Patting the other chunin on his head, he turned his gaze back to the man on the ground. "Now then!"

"All finished up there?" Itachi had not uncrossed his arms while waiting, so Kotetsu took it as a good sign.

"Yep, he just didn't get lunch today so he's being a little cranky. What do you mean you know where Naruto lives anyway? Pretty much no one actually knows that."

Itachi did uncross his arms for that, gesturing pointedly at himself. "Former ANBU." He opened his mouth as though to continue, but it was interrupted with an utterly terrible hacking cough that had both chunin staring, even the formerly panicking Izumo. There was silence as the man wiped the blood off his hand onto his cloak. "As I was about to say, the massacre was the majority of my mission so I'm afraid I cannot disclose any details on that. I can say that Naru-chan was quite safe all this time however."

Izumo couldn't take it anymore. If _Kotetsu_ could play this off cool as could be... he could do it too! Maybe it was a prank? That was it! It was a prank and Kotetsu was in on it! "Why are you calling him Naru-chan anyway?"

Itachi blinked at the question, then looked rather unimpressed, once again gesturing at himself as he spoke more slowly. "Former ANBU."

Kotetsu stared back. "Um. What does that have to do with, well, a pet name?"

"When I left ANBU, he was _eight_. Naruto was a chan. I happen to feel he's still a chan given how he acts. Now would you like to look at my papers? I've had a very long walk and would like to sit down for a little while."

There was another pause, though this time, it was Tsunade herself who spoke, a few jounin with her as she alighted on the wall. "And what the hell is going on here?"

Izumo had a return of his earlier sinking feeling when Itachi... remained Itachi after that.

So it wasn't a prank after all?


	6. Chapter 6

**Utterly Unexpected: Interrogation Techniques**

Even though he'd readily procured proof of his claims, it seemed that Konoha still didn't readily trust him.

Somehow, he wasn't shocked by this, but he made sure to let them see his disappointment all the same. He was fairly sure he'd be visiting T&I no matter what reception he was offered, but at this point, hiding that he was sad would only work against his goal of being accepted as a harmless, because to Konoha he was, resident.

Still, there seemed to be a hitch in the entire process and it seemed that he wasn't going to immediately see his sensei. No. First Tsunade wanted to torture him it seemed, having tossed down a blindfold which he'd put on, then been led inside the gates, one scroll taken before he gave over the other, telling them his blood would be needed to get at the papers inside. From there he had been led inside by the mixed group of jounin he'd seen arrive with the woman, ANBU hovering at the edges of his senses as though prepared to jump him at a moment's notice. As they should be.

No, his protest wasn't in not being taken straight to T&I so he could explain.

His protest was being taken to the hospital.

One thing he'd noticed rather quickly on starting to lose his vision was that his other senses had sharpened. This meant that the scent of the hospital was... more forcefully unpleasant.

He decided to express this to the people leading him along. "Why are you taking me to the hospital?"

Tsunade herself was the one who answered him. "Well, it would hardly do us any good if you keeled over before we could actually question you. You still have blood on your chin from the last bout of coughing."

"Oh. We can't just go straight to T&I?"

There was a beat of disbelieving silence. "No. All the better medical equipment is here."

"...I was sort of looking forward to T&I."

"Who the hell looks forward to visiting T&I as a prisoner?"

"I do. I wanted to see sensei. And possibly a Yamanaka."

"First, who is your sensei, as your files seem to be missing?"

Itachi wrinkled up his nose as he was forced to sit, but simply went with it. He had, after all, expressed a desire to be seated. "My files are in the paperwork scroll. And Sensei is Morino Ibiki. I know he's head of T&I now."

"Really."

"Yes. I know I'm important and dangerous enough you would have had him handling me, which would have been nice. I worry about him."

"You worry about the scariest man in our village?"

"That's _why_ I worry about him. He lets the reputation get to him sometimes you know. He's very sensitive."

There was sarcasm in the woman's voice when she replied. "And all you ever wanted was world peace, right?"

Deciding to ignore the sarcasm, he replied with complete sincerity. "With every fiber of my being. Ah, I advise opening the second scroll out of the public view, I should have black tagged it."

"Really? Who is it?"

"Well, he's the leader of Akatsuki. Not the one who claims he's the leader, but the actual leader."

There was another beat of long silence, and a quick exchange of whispers from the jounin still with them. It was about this point that the Hokage went for his shirt, making him jolt in shock. "Settle down, I want better access to your lungs, not to ogle you."

"And them?"

"They can ogle. Deal with it or I'll just knock you out. A little brat like you isn't fast enough to avoid that no matter what rank you are."

"I wouldn't dream of disobeying you in your domain Hokage-sama."

"I'll believe it when I see it. You can explain Akatsuki to T&I when we're done here. So. Why did you _want_ a Yamanaka?"

"Well, I'm rather sure I need to be evaluated. I have had suicidal thoughts for quite some time and I'm afraid they've adversely affected the relationship with my brother."

The pause that followed was very... awkward. It was a male who spoke then, from near the walls. Itachi was fairly sure it was the Hyuuga of the group. "Understatement."

"See? Even others can see if and because of things I said when I was feeling the most depressed, he ran away from home. I imagine he will return though, as he's always been a very loyal little brother and has always done as I've asked him to."

The disbelief in the air was palpable. "And you think he'll just come running back here?"

"Well... yes. I'm here now."

"Just like that."

"I don't intend to leave again, though if you seal my chakra I am afraid I won't be able to see at all."

Tsunade, having left the talking to the people around her, had by this point put her full focus into a diagnostic. And was incredulous on an entirely new level as she found more and more things wrong with the lunatic in front of her. She didn't doubt his claim of being suicidal now at least. "How are you not _dead_?"

"Well, I still have things to do."

That was actually a viable answer, so Tsunade didn't press. She did, however, get a slightly sadistic little smirk. "That's a shame. No T&I for you though I'm afraid, You'll be staying here in the hospital."

For the first time, Itachi looked a bit alarmed, straightening. "What?"

"Yes, you're simply not healthy enough to leave."

"But I'm sure you were prepared to stick me in a cell."

"A bit, but you claim to be returning from a mission and that would hardly be appropriate treatment of one of our shinobi."

"I don't mind, really."

"You're staying in the hospital, and that's final."

Itachi stayed silent for a moment, then just drooped, to the amusement of the group. "Yes Hokage-sama."

"Excellent. I'll go inform the head medic that you're staying."

She exited the room then, leaving the man uncomfortable, cold, and in the company of far far too many people he had never wanted to see him without a shirt.


	7. Chapter 7

**Utterly Unexpected: No, really, they were scared, not stupid.**

He'd watched that farce of an interrogation at the gate before leaving, and Kisame could say, with all honesty, that he was very impressed that it had _worked_. Maybe that rumor he'd heard about the soft country having more crazies than stable nin in their forces had been true. Even _Kiri_ would have put up more of a delay than _that_. He was totally sure that_ he _wouldn't be let in just like that.

They didn't even drug him!

Still shaking his head over this fact a day and a half later, Kisame decided to do his partner a last favor and sought out the man's brother, having a pretty decent idea of where the punk was given that he knew that Itachi had been directing them there before his little... stint away from reality.

Instead of walking up to the kid's camp though, he instead himself at the edges of their senses and waited to see how long it took the brats to figure out he was there.

He was unimpressed that the answer was not immediately.

In fact, he was slightly worried when the answer ended up being 'in the morning.' Well. Morning by his definitions, as it seemed that it was the last night watch that noticed him.

Probably the only sensor in the group if the girl investigating was any indicator. Heh. The chick was brightly colored, wasn't she? What was with kunoichi these days anyway? Back in Kiri they had hair colors like, oh, _black._ Or blue, but most of those were gone after the whole bloodline frenzy... thing.

No matter the reason though, he was starting to wonder if he'd have to follow the little band of brats to Konoha to make sure they didn't get themselves killed in their sleep before they even got there once he delivered his news to the lead brat. And he had no doubt the mini Uchiha was the leader. He had never _once_ met an Uchiha that didn't feel they needed to be in charge.

Nope.

Itachi was really not a good example to the contrary either, considering the kid's tendency to take over given even a half second of provocation. The respect between them _had_ been earned, but that didn't mean that the kid hadn't enforced his 'I'm in charge' moments.

In any case, that was neither here nor there. No, now he had an oblivious brat with a revenge fetish to talk to. Or knock around so he _could_ be talked to anyway.

And where the hell was the stealth?

He heard the kids well before he saw them, and it made him cringe inside to know that they were this... sad. _This_ expected to beat up _Itachi_?

The outfit so did not help either. Biting back an urge to snicker as he got his first good look at the brat, he shook his head, already on his feet and waiting for them by the time the kids hit his little clearing. Looked like the brat hadn't gotten any more diplomatic in his time with Mr. Bad Touch either.

The kid even had the nerve to try to _glare_ at him. Now this was just pathetic. "Where is he?"

"What, no greeting? Pushy little punk, aren't you?" Kisame looked from the punk to the kids with him, his gaze lingering on the blade the pale haired kid was carrying for a moment before his eyes flit back to the brat he was here to see. "Well, that's alright, I only decided to drop in to let you know you won't be finding Itachi-san out here any time soon."

Heh, the big one was keeping the little swordsman to be in check for now eh? He'd have to keep an eye on him since he couldn't tell just by looking why the kid would want him dead. Principal maybe? Doubtful though, brats like that were sent out in teams, and sure as hell weren't sent to be test pets for Orochimaru, so the kid had to be a missing nin too. Even if he hadn't been before. Picking up on what he was sure was supposed to be killing intent, he realized that while he'd been musing, the chibi-Uchiha had been talking.

"Eh? Sorry bout that brat. Right then. What were you saying?"

It was kind of funny the way the boy twitched. Aww, he was even gritting his teeth. "I asked what you meant by that."

"That?"

The little swordsman clearly couldn't keep out of this any longer and cut across the conversation. "Oh come on already! Tell Sasuke where his brother is so he can go off and have his epic battle and I can fight _you_."

Kisame gave the boy a rather unimpressed look and then shook his head. "Heh, maybe when you'll be a challenge kid. I'd hate to have to kill someone with some promise."

He ignored the agitated noise that drew out of the boy and directed his attention back to the lead brat, who had cast his follower an irritated look of his own. "Yes. That."

"Well, since you asked so nicely." Kisame clasped his hands together, grinning for all he was worth. Yes, this was quality entertainment right here. "Itachi is in Konoha."

The stunned look on the kid's face was priceless. "What?"

"You know, Konoha. Happy squishy village? Said something about being able to keep them from executing him or something like that."

"_What?"_

Kisame just grinned, shrugging. "Yeah, pretty much. See ya brats. We'll have our fight another day little swordsman."

Before any of them could try to attack or demand more answers, Kisame had switched with a water clone he'd had nearby, the transition seamless enough that the kids totally missed it.

Their sounds of outrage when it splashed to the ground on being released were priceless.

He'd bet good money that they thought it had been a clone all along.

Suckers.


	8. Chapter 8

**Utterly Unexpected: Sensei, My Hero!**

By the time they actually gave him over to the T&I people, though not the T&I building, much to his sadness, Itachi was more than ready to ask, nay, demand that they do so. He refused to say that he was willing to beg for an out, but the thought lingered tauntingly on his mind. First, they'd taken most of his stuff, which had been incredibly awkward as he was, at that point, still far from alone.

Now he'd managed to hang on to his necklace at least, on the insistence that it was an heirloom, not a weapon, a fact which was confirmed so he was thankfully allowed to keep it. The rest of his clothes, however, had sadly departed the room, which had made for a very uncomfortable moment when he'd heard a rather admiring coo that he was _almost_ certain he recognized. He was a bit afraid to extend his senses and confirm if it was actually Yugao though. After all, he was aware that she'd lost her affianced, but he hadn't thought she'd _ever_ turn her eyes on him, especially to ogle. So, he was a little disturbed by the very idea. Not because she wasn't pretty! That wasn't it at all. No, he just... viewed her as something of a big sister. Not... Well. It just made him uncomfortable.

Secondly was that when they finally _had_ given him replacement attire, something soft but painfully flimsy, he'd felt the weight of chakra suppression settle on his skin like lead, so even if he'd desired to take off the blindfold, at this point he'd get nothing but the unpleasant sensation of watching shadows roam around a dark room. Still, he knew if he forced it, because the seals weren't directly on his skin, he _could_ still use chakra, it would just be hard, so that was a relief.

And lastly, as a cherry on top of the entire mess, when the medics came back and shoed out everyone without training, he was put through a rather thorough, and somewhat humiliating, bout of tests. His blood was drawn, his urine demanded, and they even insisted on strapping him to an IV because he was 'much too skinny' and 'needed better care than he'd been using on himself.' There were some others as well, but he was attempting to not think too deeply about the other things checked 'for his health.'

Thus it was that when he finally felt the distinctive presence of his sensei approaching the room, he about cried in relief. Sensei would not mistreat him! Ibiki was always good to his students, so all he would do was torture him, which he doubted the Hokage would allow at this point, and he could handle torture. It was so much better than being continuously humiliated in front of his peers and people he otherwise respected. Though, at least most of them had left the room after the chakra suppression had been applied. It wasn't foolproof, but it seemed they felt that if they put a proper one on him he might simply drop dead on the spot.

He wasn't sure they were wrong, and he felt that such a situation would be a rather pathetic way to go, so he did not insist that they take any such measures.

Still, his sensei was here! And after the hours of medical torture he was sure that by now they'd seen the body he'd given them. The paperwork on the other hand... he'd sort of forgotten, when he handed it over, that it was keyed to his blood and chakra so he was pretty sure they'd bring that with them, but this wasn't a bad thing! This just meant that-

He stopped mid thought and wilted. Oh.

Thus was the Itachi that Ibiki was met with when he opened the door, the boy looking utterly harassed and rather depressed about everything.

So, on closing the door if his first question wasn't professional, he could perhaps be forgiven. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

Itachi quickly shook off the pouting stance that he'd taken up, deciding to answer him literally. "Well, physically I appear to be about dead, mentally I'm sure I need a Yamanaka's assistance, and emotionally... I just realized I'd have to take off my shirt to unseal the scroll I sent you if I wish to avoid stressing my body to a point where I might fall unconscious."

There was a beat of pause. "You're still an insane little shit, aren't you?"

"I was never insane! I was merely stressed. Stress is a very large factor in behavioral patterns among-"

"That's enough out of you." Ibiki cut across him before he could get the dissertation on stress that he was sure Itachi had spent most of his lifetime perfecting. He had, after all, started it when he was eight and Ibiki attempted to inform him that moderation in training was _okay._ "Now, why the hell are you still wearing _that_?"

The vagueness of the demand baffled Itachi, and he just... stared in Ibiki's general direction through the blindfold. "If you happen to be pointing I'm afraid you'll have to do it a bit louder Sensei."

There was a beat of silence while the older man composed himself from his moment. "The ring. The necklace I get, but the ring?"

"Ah, yes. The Akatsuki ring." Itachi brought his hands up and absently turned it on his finger. "Unfortunately, these don't come off, you see?" He then gave a firm tug... and the ring slid off his finger without even a hint of resistance.

The silence that followed was rather loud, in Itachi's opinion, and he could almost feel the laughter from off to his left where one of his remaining guards was. "Won't come off you said?"

"...It never has before." His tone was a bit petulant, but he immediately offered the ring to Ibiki, more than happy to get the bit of jewelry away from him if it meant being free of the marks of Akatsuki. His hand felt very weird without the familiar weight though. How annoying.

"Of course not Itachi." Ibiki's tone was soothing, and he took the ring. "Lets do this scroll thing, and then we'll continue our talk after your visit with Ino."

"Not Inoichi?" He paused midway through taking off his shirt.

"No, he's out on mission right now."

Itachi slid the shirt down his arm to rest by where the IV was attached, then bit the thumb on his other hand before offering it out, calling chakra to his fingertips once he felt the scroll under it. There was almost immediately a clatter as hundreds of scrolls and papers escaped their prison, flying everywhere as the scroll had not been placed over a big enough surface. "All mission scrolls from any team I was on and all paperwork which pertained to my person."

This time, Itachi was the one who smiled into the silence, as it was clear that his Sensei was unprepared for such a waterfall of paperwork.

Silly Sensei. He should know by now that Itachi had _always_ been thorough with paperwork.


	9. Chapter 9

**Utterly Unexpected: The Subtle Torture**

His sensei's grumbling was, truthfully, the high point of the hospital visit so far, and Itachi could rightfully say he was highly amused as he listened to what sounded like the intimidating man crawling half under the bed in pursuit of escaped scrolls. If the snickers from behind him were any indication, he wasn't the only one that was aware of the humor in this situation, though the way they choked off said that _they_ at least, weren't able to escape the glare the man likely sent by way of a convenient blindfold.

Having settled his clothes neatly back in place, the ill man pulled his legs up to fold them under himself as he tilted his head, tracking the movements around him as the others were apparently dragged into the process of picking up the piles of paperwork. "If anyone happens to locate a brown book by Jiraiya, would you be so kind as to set it aside? It was a gift from my best friend prior to his death."

There was a pause, and a moment later there was a snicker as one of the jounin apparently realized what else the author in question had written. "...Do you read Icha Icha too?"

Itachi huffed, wrinkling his nose up at the very idea. "No. That is far superior to his smut, I assure you."

The pause that followed _that_ statement involved the crisp sound of turning pages, then finally an apparent concession to the fact that Jiraiya was capable of writing something that didn't actually involve porn as the book was set on the table in the room. "If you say so."

The urge to roll his eyes was strong, and Itachi simply sighed inwardly instead. He was _much_ too civilized for porn. Still, it's not as though he'd never read through them just to see if they _did_ live up to their hype. That didn't mean he was going to tell anyone he'd read them for comparison's sake.

He banished the thought from his mind as he heard the door open, canting his head to the side as he tried to pin down if he recognized the signature. He didn't, though the light feminine voice told him that it was very likely Ino. "Okay, I'm here! Oh wow. I thought maybe it was a joke, but he's really here isn't he?"

Itachi felt his lips twitch. "If you mean me, then yes, I'm really here."

There was a long beat of pause, then he heard a huff from the girl. "And you really think I'm the best person to rifle around in his head?"

"Of course." There was a hint of amusement in Ibiki's voice that immediately made the Uchiha wary.

"Well, in that case." There was a scrape as a chair was dragged around in the room, and a moment later he found himself very much not alone in his head, staring at a slender blond girl who was eying him up rather... worryingly. "Hello there handsome."

Itachi immediately retreated into the scenery of his mind at her greeting, darting off to find things that any interrogation specialist _should_ be interested in. "Right... Hello. As you see you are more than welcome to any and everything related to my mission of the last few years."

She peered down around herself, then shook her head, giving him a bright smile. "Oh no, I don't think you quite realize what I'm here for. I'm here to evaluate _you_ handsome. Now, we don't want any shinobi more unstable than our special elites, and we _really_ don't want them unstable in the bad way. But, we'll work up to that yeah? How about we start with something non-traumatic. Hmm, I know! Fish out baby Sasuke memories."

Itachi knew, then, that his request to be evaluated was being carried out in the cruelest way possible, because the glint in her eye said that she had been dying to make a request like that for _years_. Ibiki could be a cruel, _cruel_ man sometimes.

And Tsunade had said he wasn't fit enough for torture.


	10. Chapter 10

**Utterly Unexpected: The Creature?**

It had been a nightmare. That's really what it came down to in Itachi's opinion as he opened his eyes and saw Ibiki-sensei's beautiful, glorious face looking back at him instead of the evil wicked countenance of that blond _creature_ who had been attempting to drive him mad. Still, his relief was strong enough that he almost threw himself at his sensei for a hug. _Almost_. He only just checked the impulse, reminding himself that no matter what torture he'd just been put through, there were some lines he wasn't supposed to cross.

If he wanted to hug someone, he probably had to wait until he got to see Iruka. By then, the urge should be gone, and it was likely that he would be able to put the blond out of his mind before any visit would be allowed to happen in any case. That, or his sensei would decide to punish him by way of making him spend more time with the she-creature. Said she-creature made him flinch slightly as she stirred, sitting up and flashing him an amused smile when she saw his reaction to her.

"Well Ibiki, amazingly, Itachi-_chan_," she paused, clearly relishing the way she could make the man twitch with some of the things she'd dug up, "is pretty much stable. He's not perfectly sane, but if sanity were a yardstick around here, he'd fall somewhere between Genma and Naruto, which means he's far from surpassing Gai. Still, he has the cutest way of thinking about things that leaves you absolutely _charmed_. You'll tell me if he ever needs someone again right? I'd love to take another look around in there!"

Her enthusiasm even made Ibiki pause, the man staring at her for a long, silent stretch before looking to his former student. "...I'm sorry Itachi, it seems I might have been a little extreme."

"Hey!"

Itachi nodded once, not looking at the blond for fear of making eye contact. "Just don't leave me alone with her again sensei, please? It was horrible."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

There was a solemn nod, though the tiniest hint of a smirk touched the man's face. "Well, if you're a _really_ good boy, I'll think about it. I wouldn't want to cut off a perfectly good punishment without reason."

"_Punishment?! _Now wait just a second!"

Itachi twitched and edged closer to the bigger man as the blond got louder. "Can't you just... use thumbscrews or something sensei? Please? I'll be good!"

"_Both of you stop ignoring me right now!"_

There was a beat of silence after the holler, and then there was a snicker from near the doorway. The snicker turned to a laugh not long after that, and when the three looked over, there was another blond standing in the door, clearly trying to contain herself.

The Hokage.

"Well, it seems like you're settling right back in now, doesn't it Itachi?"

A tiny, here and gone again smirk flit over Itachi's face, completely undermining his earlier, perhaps not so feigned, terror of the Yamanaka. "So it does Hokage-sama."

Tsunade eyed him for a long beat, then waved for Ino to follow her as she turned to leave the room. "Well, we'll just leave you boys alone for the moment then, shall we? So, Ino, what was it you saw in there?"

The answer went unheard as the door closed behind the two women, and Ibiki looked at his student critically. "You really don't want to ever be left alone with her again, do you?"

Itachi turned genuinely horrified eyes to him, voice low and fervent. "She made a point of looking for every single 'cute' memory she could find! _Never again!"_

Itachi really, truly, wanted to pout when Ibiki started laughing a moment later.


	11. Chapter 11

**Utterly Unexpected: Can we revert to plan A?**

It had been nearly a week since he'd last had any contact with Tobi, and it was getting a bit baffling. The reason for this was that in that time he'd actually attempted to contact the man and had managed absolutely nothing. Even Zetsu had had nothing that even resembled a clue to offer him.

The only conclusion he could draw from this was that the perverted little twit had taken off on a vacation without any warning.

It had happened before after all, and if he remembered correctly there was a Kyuubi attack on Konoha during that time. The man had turned back up muttering about a 'change of plans' and the Juubi after that, and things had simply gone downhill. This was when the man had gotten positively irritating with his determination to use the moon, of all things, to try to create world peace.

_He_ thought the plan was completely stupid. Clearly his idea of laying an epic smackdown to create an ultimate enemy to make everyone stop fighting would be more effective than grand scale brainwashing. But no, Tobi had to involve the moon, and the sharingan, and really it was all quite maddening. If he wanted to use the brainwashing method, he could _do_ that. He had the Rinnegan! He could just send out envoys and declare himself the true heir to the Sage of the Six Paths.

People would believe him too! He'd tested the theory on a smaller scale in his own country after all, and his loyal shinobi all had the entirely understandable idea that he was a god, and thus would do whatever he said. He hadn't even had to do much to manage this either, instead just sending out Konan on occasion to talk to people while he hung back acting all mysterious.

See? Easy.

But he'd never get Tobi to see it that way, oh no, because Tobi was a damn _Uchiha_ and that family were apparently all as thick as bricks when it came to accepting new ideas. Itachi was a prime example of this. Anyone with a brain could spot that the kid was unstable from a mile off, but did he let that stop him? No.

Did it prove that maybe the family pushed its members a wee bit too far? _Yes_. After all, if someone up and slaughtered the whole clan, there was no way that there hadn't been a warning of some kind from someone.

Still, he'd only managed to pin the boy down for a real conversation a handful of times since he'd met him, and he'd come to a baffling conclusion.

The brat was just like Yahiko.

Clearly, they didn't share personality traits or mannerisms but there was just something... He'd never managed to keep him pinned down long enough to figure it out, unfortunately, and now, he couldn't even contact the boy.

In fact, contacting anyone at this point was sketchy at best, and he had to wonder what Tobi had done to the jutsu on the rings. If the idiot had somehow managed to give himself chakra exhaustion, it would do this, after all, but he hadn't done that in nearly ten years, and at _that_ point Kiri was just starting their bloodline purging so the man had been rather busy.

No such epic news had made its way to him recently, and in fact, the sketchiness was interfering with the plan to move on the bijuu. You couldn't do an extraction if the connection was cutting out willy nilly every minute or so. No, he'd have to wait for the signal to even back out before he even considered bothering with that, but in the meantime he had to find something to do with the more restless members of the group.

Even if telling Hidan and Deidara to go play _had_ gotten hilarious results the first time.


	12. Chapter 12

**Utterly Unexpected: This time with a medic!**

In the days that followed, Itachi learned the meaning of the word fear.

It was Ino.

Now, he was sure there were many men in the village who would find this a baffling correlation, but they clearly never had the she-beast regularly poking around their heads looking for 'stable elements'. It was almost enough to make a man want to take back his attempt to fix missing-nin status.

He'd never before realized just how much time he spent with Sasuke as a child, but he was fairly certain that he wasn't actually _meant _to remember so many details about it. He blamed the sharingan for his excellent memory, and he blamed _her_ for reminding him of every _second_ of the 'adorable' moments.

Thankfully, it seemed that the source of the memories was just outside the village, lurking around like an enemy-nin or some such. Or so his sensei claimed.

It could be a test to see if he'd run given the chance.

He was tempted.

However, tempted or not, he was back now and there was no undoing it.

No, now there was simply getting his brother back into the village.

He was, he found, _incredibly_ grateful that they'd seen fit to take the chakra inhibitors off him before leading him out to the gates. They, in this case, being Tsunade herself with a jounin entourage. Understandable, given that when they were sure he wasn't about to collapse on the spot he could be quite frightening.

This was, of course, an image he had worked quite hard at and he was somewhat pleased that it was so successful. It was only somewhat in this case as he had a rather large, not so hidden, audience that was making Sasuke, if anything, more edgy.

That left just one solution to the stalemate. Sighing, he padded away from the gate, stopping in plain view with his hands to his sides against his pants. There was no cloak, sadly, but he hadn't really expected to get that back, no matter how warm the thing was. It was, after all, a symbol of an enemy faction.

Maybe he'd be able to talk it out of the Hokage after he was done fighting with his brother?

Because he was definitely going to have to fight. Sasuke's opening attack more than made _that_ apparent. Still, he'd been ready for him, and he was quick to defend himself behind a genjutsu until he could make proper eye contact.

Better.

"Sasuke, I really don't see any reason why we need to fight."

The words were enough to get a beat of incredulous pause before the teen was moving again. "No, because I'm going to _kill you_."

"Actually, I was thinking we could perhaps skip that part? I changed my mind."

"You don't get a choice about it!"

"Of course I do! I've been getting excellent medical care lately you know, so I don't think you'd be able to kill me very effectively today."

That made Sasuke halt again, shaking his head and clearly trying to break free of the genjutsu. It was always fascinating how well a person could convince themselves to physical action even inside a Tsukiyomi. "Medical... Why is Konoha helping you?"

"Well, you see, I'm a Konoha shinobi, and I've been under interrogation, which is surprisingly effective here I should mention. Creative."

He was fairly certain it was the tone that was throwing Sasuke off his stride, and his next attack was more force than finesse. "What are you _doing here_?!"

"Well... I've decided I'm bored with eternally tormenting you. That in mind, I would be more than happy to work things out over Dango."

The answer was not what anyone would call favorable to the idea, and Itachi sighed as he quickly worked around his brother to keep the illusion convincing when the teen attacked _again_.

Right.

So clearly Sasuke wasn't interested in chatting just yet. In that case, he'd just go ahead and take care of that Orochimaru-in-his-brother thing now, and maybe Tsunade would keep him from dying immediately after.

Yay.

This week was just _excellent_.


End file.
